Adam, your willingness to tell of even the humiliation-tinged, anguished seasons of Life-work touches my heart deeply. The reminders that we are but creatures tended to and called back by the earth come to us in varying ways.
Even when we steward a gift, we don't always get to direct how that gift is given. My own forced recollections of this have come swiftly and painfully in recent months, as I'm sure you can well imagine. Sometimes all we have left to us is indeed to make good ruins (thank you, Dougald, for that meaningful phrase). Sometimes we don't even receive the capacity to do that, and are compelled to rely on the steadfastness of others to make good the ruins in which we find ourselves.
Sending love to you. Sending love to the gift flock too, and prayers that whatever unknown plague has visited turns and departs. There is a raw heartbreak in standing intimate witness to one's own helplessness in the face of fast-walking death. May your heart be sustained.
The words "It's hardship is its possibility" are posted on the wall in the small kitchen. I can tell that it was heartbreaking for you to share this unfinished story of your life and what the flock is going through. While sobbing along with you I felt grateful for the opportunity to learn how to grieve the end of life, as well as accepting that my human mind can't solve this problem for you or for the sheep so instead i get to listen to my heart and the air around me while this story unfolds. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Adam, I cannot think of a more sacred act that presencing your grief to your ailing beloveds. That strikes me as a radical crossing of the species 'divide' - there is now 'sheep' in your relational DNA that will work its magic in the morphic field of all of us who hold you with love in your work ...
I’m so, so sorry for this terrible illness and loss, Adam, and I’m really glad and grateful I read this. Thanks for being brave and bringing it up and out.
I’ll share this in case it’s helpful to you, maybe even in a practical way. In the South African healing tradition of ubungoma, goats and sheep are incredibly important and sacred. As medicine and as connection with guiding idlozi (ancestral beings.) I’m not yet a thwasa, I’ve been waiting for 7 years. I’m going to SA for the first time in August. This process has no guarantees, zero certainty (part of the daily humbling lol) but I’ve had many dreams about goats and sheep, very important messages to help guide my path. Goats help the person undergoing healing treatment and initiation (ntwaso) to both activate their gifts and to connect strongly with their idlozi. The humbling aspect of this calling is…a lot. Very ground based- kneeling on hard floors in prayer, walking on your knees, kneeling in certain dances, barefoot, sleeping on the floor, I hope I can handle it when I get started. I can’t tell you how lonely it is when everyone I try to connect with doesn’t have a daily practice of surrender and humbling, a commitment to loosening their grip on their identities and egos so as to be in actual service to Life, to be loyal to their soul’s calling, rather than the “upper layers” of their own desires, fears, traumas, need to control, fix, solve, save, or otherwise be a well-meaning tyrant. The humbling is meant to be a healing process, in this tradition, which isn’t cute. It’s unbearable at times. I hope this time of loss and humbling can be an opening to a profound healing and restoration within you and your family. I will ask amadlozi to help guide you in treating the sickness there.
Your honest heartbreak and ability to give voice to your grief opens us all, Adam. I feel your grief lying closely alongside that which I feel around the senseless and racist destruction of meaningful human lives in our country right now, the helplessness I feel about our country's shifting relations with long time neighbors and friends, and alongside the ongoing grief I feel around the endless plundering of our planet. We are helpless before the need to embrace the heartbreak. We must give voice to our grief. All these shallow graves must be dug. Your work has much to teach us all as we wrestle with trying times such as these. We can only ask, "Where do we go from here?"
Thank you for gifting us with the knowledge of the hardest parts in particular of your vocation. The stories of successes, frolics, and joys are wonderful, but the acknowledgement of the aching and grief is also good and right for us all to share. You are not alone. No matter the outcome, your care for your flock has not been wasted.
As a couple living in the UK with a small group of ‘pet’ sheep we really understand your journey. We can say that our path to keeping our young and elderly companions well is with homeopathy. We obviously do not know how the legal situation is in your part of the world but if we can be of any help at all we would be happy to be of assistance. Jud and Raymond contact raymondtowers@hotmail.co.uk
Oh, Adam. You, the flock, the land and your community are in my prayers. Thank you for the courage to share the nightmare that you are navigating. Sharing the truth of the current reality ushers in support~ in Divine and often unexpected ways. I have no experience caring for sheep, but as a Community Herbalist (in CT), I feel a "ping" that Cat's Claw (Uncaria Tomentosa) and Pot Marigold (Calendula Officinalis) could be supportive. Hawaii Pharm carries good quality alcohol-free glycerites (https://hawaiipharm.com/catsclaw-nonalc-extract | https://hawaiipharm.com/calendula-nonalc-extract ** Also available on Amazon for quicker shipping.) Mountain Rose Herbs also has a very powerful powdered Cat's Claw (https://mountainroseherbs.com/cats-claw-powder) Is any of the flock's hay brought in from other sources? Could there be an environmental toxin/ poison at play? Keep asking for what you need. Much Love, Sarah
Sarah, it must feel wonderful to have something to offer. Sensing the dimension of solidarity with those who suffer and the empowerment of directing acquired knowledge is the light "coming in through the crack" for me while I grieve with Adam.
Dear Adam, I share your sadness in witnessing the transformation of the gift flock back into earth. It is humbling to be gathering the seeds of a feast we will never eat. And yet, for those who come behind us, it is what we can do. May grace and a generative earth continue transforming us into worthy ancestors. Green blessings, EagleSong
Adam, thank you for sharing this so beautifully. I am so sorry that you have to endure this heartbreaking experience. I am thinking of you frequently and sending love and healing energy to all at the farm. -Rebecca
Tears rolled down my face while listening to your story. Thank you for opening your heart and all of its beauty, sorrow, and reverence. Holding you and the flock in the light.
Adam, your willingness to tell of even the humiliation-tinged, anguished seasons of Life-work touches my heart deeply. The reminders that we are but creatures tended to and called back by the earth come to us in varying ways.
Even when we steward a gift, we don't always get to direct how that gift is given. My own forced recollections of this have come swiftly and painfully in recent months, as I'm sure you can well imagine. Sometimes all we have left to us is indeed to make good ruins (thank you, Dougald, for that meaningful phrase). Sometimes we don't even receive the capacity to do that, and are compelled to rely on the steadfastness of others to make good the ruins in which we find ourselves.
Sending love to you. Sending love to the gift flock too, and prayers that whatever unknown plague has visited turns and departs. There is a raw heartbreak in standing intimate witness to one's own helplessness in the face of fast-walking death. May your heart be sustained.
I don't think I'll be able to reply to all of the messages here, but please know that I've read and been touched by each one. My thanks, Adam
The words "It's hardship is its possibility" are posted on the wall in the small kitchen. I can tell that it was heartbreaking for you to share this unfinished story of your life and what the flock is going through. While sobbing along with you I felt grateful for the opportunity to learn how to grieve the end of life, as well as accepting that my human mind can't solve this problem for you or for the sheep so instead i get to listen to my heart and the air around me while this story unfolds. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Adam, I cannot think of a more sacred act that presencing your grief to your ailing beloveds. That strikes me as a radical crossing of the species 'divide' - there is now 'sheep' in your relational DNA that will work its magic in the morphic field of all of us who hold you with love in your work ...
I’m so, so sorry for this terrible illness and loss, Adam, and I’m really glad and grateful I read this. Thanks for being brave and bringing it up and out.
I’ll share this in case it’s helpful to you, maybe even in a practical way. In the South African healing tradition of ubungoma, goats and sheep are incredibly important and sacred. As medicine and as connection with guiding idlozi (ancestral beings.) I’m not yet a thwasa, I’ve been waiting for 7 years. I’m going to SA for the first time in August. This process has no guarantees, zero certainty (part of the daily humbling lol) but I’ve had many dreams about goats and sheep, very important messages to help guide my path. Goats help the person undergoing healing treatment and initiation (ntwaso) to both activate their gifts and to connect strongly with their idlozi. The humbling aspect of this calling is…a lot. Very ground based- kneeling on hard floors in prayer, walking on your knees, kneeling in certain dances, barefoot, sleeping on the floor, I hope I can handle it when I get started. I can’t tell you how lonely it is when everyone I try to connect with doesn’t have a daily practice of surrender and humbling, a commitment to loosening their grip on their identities and egos so as to be in actual service to Life, to be loyal to their soul’s calling, rather than the “upper layers” of their own desires, fears, traumas, need to control, fix, solve, save, or otherwise be a well-meaning tyrant. The humbling is meant to be a healing process, in this tradition, which isn’t cute. It’s unbearable at times. I hope this time of loss and humbling can be an opening to a profound healing and restoration within you and your family. I will ask amadlozi to help guide you in treating the sickness there.
Your honest heartbreak and ability to give voice to your grief opens us all, Adam. I feel your grief lying closely alongside that which I feel around the senseless and racist destruction of meaningful human lives in our country right now, the helplessness I feel about our country's shifting relations with long time neighbors and friends, and alongside the ongoing grief I feel around the endless plundering of our planet. We are helpless before the need to embrace the heartbreak. We must give voice to our grief. All these shallow graves must be dug. Your work has much to teach us all as we wrestle with trying times such as these. We can only ask, "Where do we go from here?"
I love this piece Adam, one of visceral beauty and poignant grief. Sending love to you and the gift flock.
Thank you for gifting us with the knowledge of the hardest parts in particular of your vocation. The stories of successes, frolics, and joys are wonderful, but the acknowledgement of the aching and grief is also good and right for us all to share. You are not alone. No matter the outcome, your care for your flock has not been wasted.
As a couple living in the UK with a small group of ‘pet’ sheep we really understand your journey. We can say that our path to keeping our young and elderly companions well is with homeopathy. We obviously do not know how the legal situation is in your part of the world but if we can be of any help at all we would be happy to be of assistance. Jud and Raymond contact raymondtowers@hotmail.co.uk
Oh, Adam. You, the flock, the land and your community are in my prayers. Thank you for the courage to share the nightmare that you are navigating. Sharing the truth of the current reality ushers in support~ in Divine and often unexpected ways. I have no experience caring for sheep, but as a Community Herbalist (in CT), I feel a "ping" that Cat's Claw (Uncaria Tomentosa) and Pot Marigold (Calendula Officinalis) could be supportive. Hawaii Pharm carries good quality alcohol-free glycerites (https://hawaiipharm.com/catsclaw-nonalc-extract | https://hawaiipharm.com/calendula-nonalc-extract ** Also available on Amazon for quicker shipping.) Mountain Rose Herbs also has a very powerful powdered Cat's Claw (https://mountainroseherbs.com/cats-claw-powder) Is any of the flock's hay brought in from other sources? Could there be an environmental toxin/ poison at play? Keep asking for what you need. Much Love, Sarah
Sarah, it must feel wonderful to have something to offer. Sensing the dimension of solidarity with those who suffer and the empowerment of directing acquired knowledge is the light "coming in through the crack" for me while I grieve with Adam.
This is heartbreaking, every shepherd’s worst nightmare. Thank you for sharing, Adam. Sending love and prayers for you and the flock. ❤️
Dear Adam, I share your sadness in witnessing the transformation of the gift flock back into earth. It is humbling to be gathering the seeds of a feast we will never eat. And yet, for those who come behind us, it is what we can do. May grace and a generative earth continue transforming us into worthy ancestors. Green blessings, EagleSong
I'm grateful for the honesty, Adam, as always, and from far away in the UK hold the flock and you in my thoughts.
Adam, thank you for sharing this so beautifully. I am so sorry that you have to endure this heartbreaking experience. I am thinking of you frequently and sending love and healing energy to all at the farm. -Rebecca
Tears rolled down my face while listening to your story. Thank you for opening your heart and all of its beauty, sorrow, and reverence. Holding you and the flock in the light.
I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and the mamas crying for their babies. I cannot imagine... 😞💔
I'm so sorry to hear this Adam. Holding you and your grazing family in my heart. Hang on in there xxxx